How Do You Make Him Or Her Spend More
Time With You?

This is probably the most unsettling dating situation faced by both single (and even married) men and women. In an ideal world we'd all love it if the person we're dating would call us more often, ask out us more often and if they are so busy during week nights at least let us know in advance what plans are in place for the weekend.

Even after a great time together, sometimes they don't even bother to call for a couple of days leaving you wondering what's going on. The last time you voiced your wants and needs he/she said "okay" or "I understand", simply kept quite or got really upset that you even brought it up. What do you do? How do you get him/her to spend more time with you or at least be mindful of how you feel when they don't call? How do you do this without creating drama and rocking the boat?

I get asked these questions a lot.

Before you even start asking the other person for more, first ask yourself if you are being realistic about the person's circumstances. Many of us struggle to keep our heads above the water and the pressures of keeping a roof above our heads and food on the table can be a little overwhelming. If the person has kids from a previous marriage, that's more stress. Then there are other things that happen unplanned. And on top of that every "normal" human being (except when you're really needy and very lonely) needs a little time to themselves -- even married men and women sometimes need "alone time". When you add all that up, three or four days without a phone call isn't so bad.

By demanding more than what the person can give, you're adding more stress onto their already stressful lives. What happens is that he/she will almost instinctively try to eliminate that stress by "prioritizing for manageability". Those things that matter most get top priority. Work (shelter and food) comes on top of the list. Second on the list is the kids and other family members/matters to attend to. Third, some "alone time" and that may include with the "boys" or "girls". You see where I am going with this?

When you put pressure on him/her, you're the extra "stress" which must go so that his/her life is manageable. So should you just wait and put your life on hold? Hell, NO!

1. Busy yourself living your own life. When you depend on someone else to give you permission to life a full life, you're basically handing over your power and happiness to that person. Love or no love, no man or woman can take care of you better than you can take care of yourself.

2. Decide on what time and activities already in your life you can put aside when he or she calls and asks you out and you actually want to. This is so tricky. Some people use this as a "Playing hard to get tactic" but there is great potential for this to backfire. 1) the person may decide since you're so "busy" he or she will go on and do his or her own stuff too; 2) the first time or second time you turn him/her down because you think you're playing hard to get, he/she may get a little bothered and will start to call or ask you out more but not for very long. You can not inspire true and lasting change in another person by manipulating them. Sooner or later they become "immune to manipulation" which forces you to try and step up the "playing hard to get tactic" but instead of a positive response (it worked before, right?) he or she will be like "I can't take it anymore, I am done!"

3. Ask for what you want. It seems so risky to ask for what you want when you fear the consequences. But asking for what you want and deserve doesn't mean you have to be aggressive and offensive. The real skill to being assertive is to be truthful and direct but vary the amount of energy you apply to match the situation at hand.

Depending on how strong the love between the two of you, instead of complaining, nagging or adding pressure onto his/her busy life (and getting eliminated because of it) ask him/her to tell you how you should handle the situation. Say for example you want him/her to call you more often, ask if it's okay if you called him/her and how much is "too much". Then negotiate a middle ground. Same thing if you wanted him or her to call you in advance so you know what the weekend looks like. Something like "When I do not hear from you by Thursday, I am not sure what plans to make for the weekend. Is it okay with you if I call you Thursday night to see if you have other plans?".

And let's say you made the date happen, as you part ways say something like, "That was fun! How about if we do something next week? Give me a call Tuesday (or whatever) and we can sort something out." This is a very polite but not 'too nice" way of saying to a person that you are interested in seeing him/her again but it'd be great if he/she took the initiative next time.

With you drawing him/her into the decision making process, it'll take someone who really isn't that into you to turn around and say "you're too needy" or "you're putting pressure on me".

Sometimes the hardest part about walking our talk is realizing that we are actually exhibiting the very behaviors we dislike in others. Even after the two of you negotiate and decide on what's practical in terms of time allocation, the other person doesn't call for just one day after they said they'd call and you're up in his/her face complaining of how that's stressing you which also stresses them out. Everything is downhill from there.

It takes two to create a relationship. The important thing is to be realistic and flexible. Sometimes, being flexible is as simple as reconciling your fantasies and perceptions with the realities of your relationship and deciding whether or not you can deal.

And make sure you're not asking too much of the other person when you, yourself have nothing to offer except your needs, beliefs of how things should be and the stress in your own life.

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