How To Be A Confident and Independent Woman And Still Get Men To Want You?

The common retort I get for saying to women “May be you are coming on too strong” is, "If my being strong turns them off, then they’re not for me.” Fair enough, but where are you going to find someone who’ll put up with that kind of attitude?

Don’t’ get me wrong. Strong and genuinely confident men and women find members of the opposite sex who are equally strong and genuinely confident very attractive. They present both a challenge and potential for great rewards and fulfillment. And lots of strong and genuinely confident men and women do find love and stay in very fulfilling and lasting relationships. In fact, based on my decade long experience working with single men and women in five different continents, strong and genuinely confident men and women find love much faster than those men and women who are not strong and genuinely confident.

My point is, there is a big difference between strong (confident, assertive, independent, decisive, ethical, strong sense of self, unafraid to stand up for oneself and what one believes in etc) and coming on too strong (loud-mouthed, hard-to-please, aggressive, forceful, opinionated, judgmental, confrontational, sarcastic, overwhelming, crushing, uncontrollable, unbearable, intimidating, overriding, overcrowding and everything you can think of when you think of the words “too much”).

If you are coming on too strong, the other person will feel that you want to control the situation to get your desired results, and where does that leave him? If you’re being too dominant and too critical, the other person will assume you will be critical of absolutely everything.

This is especially the case if you are “coming on too strong” because you fear that if you don’t force someone to pay attention to you, he will not. This will make you act too hastily. Your strong drive and determination to get attention and love is likely to get you into difficult situations because you want things going faster -- your pace, your call.

Even when you both agree that it’s best to take things slow and grow and develop together, you may not be in accord on how you should do this. More times than not, you’ll overwhelm the other person with ideas, attention and affection in an effort to get them to give you the same. But that’s not what happens.

Look at the way you act when you first meet a man: Do you let him know right away that you have three University Degrees, you own your house, you drive the most expensive car, you’re so well traveled, financially secure yaddayadda? Do you fuss about your physical appearance and how great you look (at your age)? Do you name-drop in an attempt to show you have connections in high places? Do you tell them how much you’re being chased after by other men? Do you talk a lot more about your career or personal successes and accomplishments than you talk about you as a person -- a human being? Do you come across as too judgemental of who they are or their status? Do you force the commitment issue on men who expresses interest in you by telling them right off what sort of relationship you want and insisting that they take it or leave it right then?

These are just some of the few things that “warn” men that you may be a little “too much” to bear. These are also some of the things that makes having a real, healthy fulfilling relationship with a good man almost impossible because most “normal” people don’t fall in love with degrees, houses, connections, etc. they fall in love with other human beings. If you are pushing the degrees, houses, connections, successes and accomplishments in front of men and women, they may be thinking “What can I offer someone who has everything?” This is the terrible cost of wanting to be superior.

The reality is that while you may have “everything” you really don’t have the “most import thing of all” that’s why you are with that person in the first place. I discuss a lot more about introducing the dollar value in relationships in Playing Hard-To-Get The Love Way Strategy 14.

To get someone interested to a point that they’ll want to chase you, you have to learn not to make such a big deal out of your accomplishments and success and instead highlight the qualities that you have that make you a desirable human being -- and a unique individual. Learn to use your “human assets” to your advantage, and make the most of what you got as a person. Again, I discuss this in detail in Playing Hard-To-Get The Love Way Strategy 12.

You could have equally strong and genuinely confident men chasing you if you learned how not to put undue pressure on others and ease the men you’re attracted into who you are -- strong and genuinely confident.

1. Tame your natural tendency to be the initiator and major decision maker…

This does not mean you have to put on the whiney and spoiled damsel in distress dumb-act. That dumb-act can get really old fast. Today's self-confident and going-somewhere-up men don't really want needy little Daddy’s Princess. Guys expect the modern woman to be independent and strong.

What this means is that whether you’re initiating contact or are involved in a relationship, acknowledge your own vulnerabilities and shortcomings. This allows the other person to let down his own guard and show himself to you. It creates comfort and closeness.

I just want to add here that, I'm not saying self-depreciate yourself -- badmouth yourself or lower yourself somehow, what I am saying is, be honest with yourself and admit that your life is not as “awesome” as you want others to think, you’re not great at everything and you’re not always strong. It doesn’t serve you any good if a man can’t envision himself as being a part of your life. My thinking is, if you're inviting someone into your life, you have to actually give them something to do that you can't do by yourself.

You’ve also got to stop looking at individuals as "men" or “women”. I get this from both men and women all the time. Because of bad past experiences, they make generalizations like “all men are…” and “all women are…” It’s true that so many men and women have so many emotional and psychological problems that make dating and relating difficult but you're not interested in dating a group of men or group of women; you're interested in dating that one man or woman -- the one who also wants to be with.

2. Train yourself to move away from dominance and control towards partnership; from strategies of aggressiveness to co-operation...

Take the back seat sometimes. If you are genuinely strong and genuinely confident, you should be able to trust yourself (and your desirability) to let your hair down and relax. Allow a man to take the lead role in a manner that’s comfortable for him and without interference from you. Let him/her do the chasing sometimes. This can be particularly surprising to a man who hasn’t played the role of active initiator in his previous relationships. Although it will feel like a risk he’ll respond if you’re making it easier.

If you could learn how to take turns being the active one and allowing the other person to be the active one, you’ll be able to move -- in most cases to a more fulfilling relationship with the same person you previously thought it was impossible to create a relationship with.

Did you enjoy reading this excerpt from my e-Book?  Throughout the book I talk about how you can pace your game of playing hard-to-get and get a man or woman interested enough to want to fall in love.