Do you feel like your giving too much and not getting the respect and love you deserve?

Playing Hard-To-Get requires you to be calm, centered and focused, but this can be really difficult if you have weak or even no protective boundaries. You become easily confused about what to do next. But when you have clear boundaries you are stronger, more calm and clear headed and at the same time warm, caring and loving. This increases your desirability and marketability.

A boundary is that defining space which clarifies "you" and "me" -- where you end and where the other begins. Having healthy boundaries means that others respect your personal space and do not intrude on your privacy. It also means that you give others their space and respect their boundaries. You’re deeply connected to them, but you still maintain a sense of your own identity and don’t allow yourself to be swallowed up by the other person.

Don’t confuse maintaining good personal boundaries with "putting up a wall". A wall is a solid structure that keeps you inside and keeps everyone else out. A person with good boundaries can easily say “no” and yet still be open. Boundaries need not be too rigid that they incapacitate the relationship or too loose that they are easily misinterpreted. The important thing is that you are both fully aware of where you are in terms of feelings and commitment to the relationship, how you define it, what pace you want to take, what you can and cannot tolerate.

Boundaries help define your value…

Imagine that your real estate agent tells you that you could get a higher price if you repaired the broken hinges and painted the fence around your property. The benefit of the fence appears in the value of the property. And when someone buys the property they will get some benefit from the fence in addition to the value they get from the rest of the property. This is the principle behind having clear boundaries.

A poorly built fence can reduce property value. Weak or no boundaries give men and women the sense that you are just fishing for anything that your net catches and they just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Even if you make an external show of strength you may actually do quite a lot more compromising and placating than you are consciously aware of, if you are secretly feeling shaky or insecure.

When you have boundaries, you can say "no" in a way that doesn't feel like "no" to the other person…

If for example, you find out that someone is only asking you out because someone else turned them down, it’ll be to your best interest to remind him/her that you are there and friendly but you are also an individual with a life to live (I am assuming you have one). A response along the lines, “Thank you, but I won't play second fiddle to anyone. I’d rather be number #1 in your life” will send a clear message that this is not something you are willing to tolerate.

When you say nothing, there is a negative impact for you and for the other person. Saying nothing conveys the message that the behavior is acceptable; thus the person is more likely to repeat it. Fearing that you will disappoint or upset him/her somehow if you set boundaries only makes you lose respect and desirability. You must respect yourself first if you want to be respected.

Say "no" in a way that is polite and from the heart…

Saying no doesn’t necessitate telling the other person they’re wrong for making the request. For instance, “I’m okay if you socialize with other men/women, but I am not okay with you…. with them” tells the other person what you will and will not tolerate in a way that doesn't compromise the relationship. What you will and will not tolerate depends on where you are in terms of feelings and commitment to the relationship.

You don't need to explain, rationalize or analyze their response. If they try to object or create a scene, just repeat, " I am just not okay with you…. with them”. Be friendly, but firm.

Boundaries are a measure of self-esteem...

Standing your ground increases your credibility. It makes you more desirable because it allows you to remain open and receptive to the other person as well as retain a sense of separate identity. Good boundaries say you are very selective because you value yourself -- and value the people you let into your life.

But setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation. Some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome.
Clear boundaries keeps things running smoothly, but sometimes despite best intentions, boundaries are crossed. Don’t be too rigid. Adapt to the moment -- know when to put your foot down and when to let things slide.

In my e-Book, I give more instances and examples where saying “NO” actually makes you more attractive, more desirable and more of an interesting chase if you know how and when to say "NO!".