Is The Object Of Your Heart's Desires Too Shy Or Too Self-Conscious... And You Just Don't Know What To Do?

Based on the so many emails I receive from men and women interested in learning how to play hard-to-get, men and women find it really difficult approaching or dating members of the opposite sex who are very shy and over self-consciousness.

Over the years, I’ve identified two types of shy people; those who give in too easily because they are afraid that if they hold out, the chance will be lost forever and those who hold out tightly because they don’t want people putting pressure on them to do things they are not yet ready to do. Both types have one thing in common and that is preoccupation with the kind of impression they are making -- Do they like me? Do I look good? Do I sound stupid? I’m I doing it the right way?

Shyness can be so cute -- at least to me. I’d rather be in the company of a shy man or woman than a loud-mouthed overly aggressive smooth-talking person any time. I find men and women who think they are God's gift to mankind shallow and so exhausting mentally, emotionally and spiritually. On the other hand I find that many shy people have a depth to them that’s very refreshing and intriguing almost to the point of being mysterious. This may be because they spend so much time in self-evaluation and are very introspective.

That’s just one side to shyness. Shyness can also be really annoying and a major turn off because of a shy person’s self-preoccupation with making the right kind of impression. This often interferes with shy people’s self-expression making it not so much fun to play the “Catch Me” game with them. They are the only ones hiding and you are the one doing the seeking most of the time. That’s so awfully one-sided.

There is no easy way to heal shyness in another person, but if you’re really interested in that person, then you have to work on reducing the anticipation of failure or rejection that shy people dread.

Even when they feel inner warmth and enthusiasm, it is not easy for shy and over self-conscious people to show it. The over concern with the kind of impression they are making makes it difficult for them to be spontaneous, or to take the initiative. To get moving, they need someone to light a fire under them.

This is where you come in. Don’t’ expect them to initiate contact, you do it (Strategy 1 - Initiate The Chase). The only difference when dealing with a shy person is that, in the beginning it’s up to you to show more interest and create lots of "open doors" that will make him or her feel that it’s “okay” to come out of his or her shell. It’s important to note that as in Strategy 2, showing interest is not the same thing as coming on too strong and overwhelming the other person with attention and affection. Even shy people don’t like people who are “too much.”

You have to keep giving him/her verbal and non verbal signs that you are interested-- almost all the time. You have to be persistent in keeping him/her emotionally engaged: ask for his/her advice, encourage his/her feedback and ideas, and sincerely compliment him/her on small things like his/her dress style, voice tone, patience when you are late etc. With a much more confident and assertive person “I am sorry I am late” will do but go the extra mile for someone who needs more reassurance. Just don't mistake compliments with false flattery.

Challenge him/her come out of his/her shell every chance you get. For example instead of dinner and a movie, arrange for both of you to volunteer for a cause he/she strongly believes (most shy people have at least one or two things they passionately believe in). Having fun together in a non-threatening setting helps both of you get the relationship off the ground. When you spend your leisure hours together working on projects, doing practical tasks or being of service, what you’re really doing is giving yourselves the chance to balance your interests.

To do this successfully, you need to adjust your own energy and find the right balance between self-assertion and compromise. This will make neither person feel dominated by the other. This should not be very hard as Playing Hard-To-Get The Love Way is all about the right balance between self-assertion and compromise.

Knowing that someone is thinking of them first and actually allowing them to express who they are without worrying about the impression they are making makes shy people feel appreciated. You’ll both be surprised at how quickly a shy person warms up and takes up the role of the initiator. He/she may in fact have a natural tendency to take the lead because shy people tend to analyze stuff deeply and always have so many new ideas going on inside.

If you consider the situation impossible, and just complain about his/her shyness and self-consciousness instead of trying to work with it, you will miss out on a relationship with great potential. But if you work with his/her shyness -- not try to change him/her but actually working with it -- you create a new entity that is not either one of you, but a new “being” that you create together, and which is greater than the sum of its parts. This is the relationship itself.

You can then start using all the other Playing Hard-To- Get The Love Way strategies.